atonality.

Scattered thoughts.

I’m tired of everything.
People are stupid.
How did I survive growing up here?
Thanks for ignoring me.
I’m getting fat again.
I grew an inch, though, so that should lower my BMI.
I wish my hair would grow faster.
My ears won’t stop ringing even when it’s silent.
I hate myself.
I wouldn’t mind sleeping for the rest of my life.
Can you please just stop?
I miss my parents.
Everyone just shut up.
I can’t sing.
I seriously suck at piano now.
Financial aid.
Rest in peace.
I like how everyone pushed me to get Skype, yet no one ever gives me a reason to use it.
But I guess it doesn’t really matter, since I look stupid on webcam.
I’m a bad conversationalist.
Fuck it all. Just. Fuck it all.
Funny, I don’t even like cussing.
My back hurts.
Why am I so stupid.
I think that’s enough for now.
I should do this more often.
I need to sit down and make a few lists.
Yes, I’m quite aware of the fact that I’m crazy. 

Just saying.

I appreciate the sentiment, but people who push me to do music are no different from those who push me to become a doctor. I’m also really thankful for those who just tell me to do what I want, but that’s the thing: I don’t exactly know what I want. If I knew, I wouldn’t be having this problem right now. And yes, thank you for the encouragement, for being realistic, and for constantly reminding me that I need to figure out what makes me happy—but there’s no need to put me on the spot and demand answers from me.

Sorry. I’m being ungratefully selfish, huh?

apomakrysmenophobia

n. fear that your connections with people are ultimately shallow, that although your relationships feel congenial at the time, an audit of your life would produce an emotional safety deposit box of low-interest holdings and uninvested windfall profits, which will indicate you were never really at risk of joy, sacrifice or loss.

(via warukatta)

toocooltobehipster:

when i do something embarrassing it bothers me for like a year even tho everyone else probably forgot about it in 15 minutes lol

(via gyuliner)

I don’t even know.

Maybe it’s just summer blues, but my mind has been all over the place lately. Last night I attended my old high school’s Drama Club Awards Night, and for some reason I just got incredibly nervous as I sat outside in the car, watching everyone file into the Performing Arts building. A few friends invited me at the last minute, and even though I was told that I’d be more than welcome, I was fighting against that uncomfortable twinge of awkwardness as I sat through the entire event. 

I love Berkeley, but it’s not like I dread coming home during breaks. Like I’ve said before, home is that one constant in my life that I’ve learned to appreciate in an ever-changing world. Which is why visiting Drama was such a weird experience. Everything just seemed so different; a place that was once my workplace, my playground, my blank canvas, my muse, my escape, suddenly felt so foreign and unfamiliar. It was hard to swallow. And in that moment, I just didn’t know how to carry myself.

What’s going on? What am I doing? I’m searching for answers, but have I even been asking the right questions? I’ve been chasing after that person in the mirror, but she seems even further out of my reach now. And—

It’s just summer blues. It’s just summer blues…